Bend And Not Break
by Cutieqtpie
Summary: Chapter 3 finally Please review!
1. Default Chapter

TITLE: Bend and Not Break  
  
NOTES: I felt inspired by a Quentin Terentino article in Rolling Stone that I read this afternoon. He said that he much rather do a movie every five or six years and have a great quality film instead of other directors who do the same type of films every couple of months and you get completely sick of them. So think of this fic, if you will, as my own Pulp Fiction, although without the gore and violence that that movie has (even though it's my favorite movie). I'm going to put my focus on making sure this fic gets finished and that people still enjoy reading it as it continues. A great way for me to be able to do this is for some feedback from you people who read it. So please take the time to click that button at the bottom of the screen. Help me help you!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Susan, Abby, Chuck, Luka, Carter, or anyone else on the show. I just enjoy holding there lives in my fingers when I sit down to write a fic. I don't own Queer Eye For The Straight Guy either, I'm just a huge fan of the show. (  
  
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"It's on!" Susan squeals and comes running into the room carrying two bottles of beer and a pint of ice cream.  
  
"Beer and ice cream?" I ask, eyeing the container in her arms. "That's classy."  
  
"Shh." She jumps onto the sofa next to me and hands me a bottle as she puts the ice cream and two spoons on the coffee table in front of us. As the opening credits to the television show, Susan takes a sip of her beer.  
  
"I'm sorry, but there's no way their going to get that guy to look good." I say and shake my head. I quietly place the beer on the table next to the ice cream.  
  
"I saw the episode Tuesday night. He turns out okay."  
  
"Well why are we watching it if you already know how it's going to end up?"  
  
"Because you've never seen the show and it's the best ever."  
  
"They should have 'Straight Eye For the Queer Eye' and have straight men teach gay men how to act more manly and macho. They could grunt and scratch themselves and drink lots of beer." I say sarcastically and then a figure on the screen catches my eye. "Oh my god, what is that?"  
  
"That is Carson." Susan answers and laughs. "He's the fashion expert."  
  
"Is that really a man? I've never worn as much pink in my entire life as he has on right now."  
  
"Yeah, he's a little weird. He's the funniest though. Except for Jai."  
  
"Which one's Jai?"  
  
"The culture expert. What would you ever do without me?"  
  
"Um, watch shows that don't have the word queer in them." I respond and reach for the ice cream and a spoon. Suddenly, the phone in the apartment rings and Susan reaches to the end of the sofa where the phone is sitting. I hear her groan as she looks at the caller ID. "Who is it?"  
  
"Chuck." Susan rolls her eyes, but I can see a small smile forming on her lips.  
  
"Well aren't you going to answer it?" I ask, as the phone continues to ring.  
  
"Nah, you're here, and besides, the commercial break is over!" The show is back, but I've just got to ask about this Chuck thing.  
  
"So, you and Chuck."  
  
"What about me and Chuck?"  
  
"Are you guys like together now or what?"  
  
"No. Well I don't know." Susan said quickly.a little too quickly. I know for a fact that they are at least in one sense, together. They've been together all over the hospital and haven't been too secretive in trying to hide it. I didn't even want to come over tonight because I hate being third wheel, but Susan swore that he was on duty.  
  
"Well you've done the whole marriage and divorce thing already. Maybe you have it the right way. Get divorced and then get to know the person you only knew for a day before marrying." I shrug and take another spoonful of ice cream.  
  
The guy on the screen says something funny and Susan laughs. I have to admit that the show is humorous, I'm just in a bad mood. It's been a week since Carter left and two days since we found out that Luka is actually alive.  
  
"Has Carter called since he left?" Susan asks as if somehow reading my mind and knowing that I was thinking about him. I suddenly realize I'm frowning and I wonder when it happened that I changed and got upset when his name is mentioned.  
  
"No. I don't really expect him to."  
  
"Luka's coming back when? Tomorrow?" I nod my head and she continues. "He'll be back with Luka and you two can work things out."  
  
"I don't think so."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"He thinks I still have feelings for Luka."  
  
"Is he crazy? You've been broken up with him for almost two years."  
  
"It's complicated. I asked about him because I was worried. Of course I was worried about both of them, but somehow that got ignored."  
  
"Did he ever say why he wasn't going to tell you he was leaving?"  
  
"Not really. He said it wasn't about me and that he wasn't trying to hurt me. That was about it."  
  
"Well you'll figure it out." Susan said. The lock in the door suddenly made a noise making both of us quickly glance back. The door opens and in walks none other than Chuck.  
  
"Hey baby." He calls as he enters the room.  
  
"What are you doing here?" She exclaims as he leans down and kisses the top of her head. "You were supposed to be working."  
  
"You're not happy to see me?" Chuck feigns sadness and clutches his heart.  
  
"Abby and I were having a girl's night." I watch Susan respond as I stand up off the sofa and excuse myself and go into the bathroom. I can hear them talking softly as I shut the door. I'm not upset that Chuck showed up, just upset with men in general. I walk back out into the living room and fall back onto the spare chair next to the sofa, as Chuck has now stolen my seat.  
  
"You came into my life and my world never looked so bright. It's true you bring out the best in me when you're around!"  
  
"Oh no! Don't tell me she has you watching this now too Abby?" Chuck groans as he realizes what we were watching.  
  
"Don't even start. You don't have to be here you know." She stuck out her tongue at him and I watched out of the corner of my eye as he kissed her cheek and took her hand in his. I continue to watch as they do that thing that couples do when they're holding hands. I know this routine because while a year ago I would have thought it was ridiculous, Carter and I used to do it and it stopped being silly. I suddenly realize I'm staring, though neither one of them are likely to notice me, and snap my attention back to the television.  
  
Ten minutes later at the next commercial break, I decide to stand up and walk towards the kitchen to grab my jacket.  
  
"Where are you going? The show's not over yet!" Susan calls.  
  
"I know. I think I'm going to get going. It's getting late and I have to work tomorrow." I shoot her a small smile, but I know she sees me throw an awkward glance at Chuck as well. I pull on my jacket as Susan stands up and walks towards me.  
  
"Here, I'll walk you out." She follows me out the door and leaves it open a crack when she steps outside. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm just.I don't know. Bored with my life is how you'd put it I guess. Sometimes I think boring is good, but now it's just dealing with the same shit every day." I shrug which causes Susan to do the same thing.  
  
"You could always go back to med school. That would shake things up." Susan laughs and crosses her arms across her body.  
  
"I thought about it a couple years ago, but I don't have the money and I like being a nurse."  
  
"I could lend you the money."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I have some money saved up. I've never really touched it because I haven't had anything to spend it on."  
  
"Susan, I'm not going to take your money."  
  
"Of course not. I would just be lending it to you."  
  
"No. I don't need to go back to med school. Save the money for something you need."  
  
"Well it was just a suggestion. My offer will stand, so think about it."  
  
"Why would you do that for me?"  
  
"You're my friend Abby. One of my best friends, and I haven't had one of those in a while. I gotta do something to keep you around." She winks at me and steps back towards her front door.  
  
"Thanks Susan." I smile at her and tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. "Bye."  
  
"Bye." She gives me a little wave as I walk out of her building. As I start walking towards the El, I consider once again her proposition. Did I even really tell the truth up there? I don't think I really do love being a nurse anymore. Maybe at one time. I don't know if I want to totally change my life right now though. Going back to school means classes, studying, scut work, and shitty shifts. I'm obviously going to have to think this through a little more.  
  
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	2. Living in Your Letters

TITLE: Living in Your Letters  
  
NOTES: Chapter 2 please review! Haha - get it? It rhymes.yea well. It's late and I need sleep. Chapter 3 should be up sometime later this week, but don't hold your breath because I have the PSAT on Tuesday and it's Homecoming week, which basically means partying all week so it might not get posted til this weekend. Depends on how many after parties I go to. Hehehe. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Dear Abby,  
  
By the time you read this letter, Luka should be safe in America and you will probably be wondering why I'm not with him. Before you go blaming yourself let me just say, it's not you, it's me - and I know even as I write this that you're going to think that's a breakup cliché, but if you could just try and hold back your judgment - and your condemnation - for a minute, maybe you will actually be able to understand what I'm trying to say. Being here has changed me in ways I never imagined. It put everything in perspective. County, Gamma's death, you. Well, me and you. We just had to work so hard at everything. Too hard, you know? When I think back on our last year together, everything appears hazy, muddled. And in the Congo, everything is very clear. People are suffering. I can help them. They need me. In a way that you don't.  
  
You're much stronger than you think. You don't need me, Abby, and I don't think you ever really did. We both know we would work better unfettered. I think that at one point you convinced yourself that I was the right guy for you - reliable and safe, and I don't know, stable - but I don't think that that's what you really want. When we were just friends, it was safe. Maybe we even put each other on pedestals, I don't know. And then when we were finally together, it didn't become what either of us thought it would be. I didn't end up being what you expected, and you didn't end up being.sorry, I'm rambling.  
  
I gave you as much as I could, but it wasn't enough. Clearly, there were a lot of things going on in your life that were more important, understandably. Eric's disease, your mother. Your life is complicated, and I didn't fit into that mix very well, did I? I tired to help, but then when I needed you.I don't know.  
  
The light is dying. I don't want to waste any more kerosene.  
  
I don't know how long I'm going to end up staying here. Don't wait for me.  
  
I also want to say thank you. You are still one of the most amazing people I know.  
  
Love,  
  
Carter  
  
"So, have you seen Luka yet?" A voice interrupts my thought process, or lack there of as I finished reading the letter on the bench outside the ER entrance.  
  
"Uh, no, not yet." I quickly fold the letter up and stick it in my pocket. "I've been stuck in triage all morning."  
  
"Wow, someone really doesn't like you."  
  
"Yeah, I can't decide who I dislike more, Weaver or Romano. Romano cut back shifts for the nurses and they're all pissed."  
  
"I know. I saw Haleh and Chuny about ten minutes ago. They were fuming." Susan nods in agreement. I know this is going to be a long day considering it's only ten and I feel like I've been awake for hours and hours. I met Gillian about twenty minutes ago. I guess that's what Carter meant when he said that Luka was more than fine. Was that really only a week ago?  
  
"Hello? Earth to Abby!" Susan interrupts my thoughts once again and I snap out of my bubble. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Uh, not really."  
  
"Want to talk about it?" She has a look of genuine concern on her face and I realize I must look like shit. I hesitate for a second, thinking maybe if I tell her it will make it a little better, but then I change my mind and quickly shake my head. Suddenly, both our beepers go off simultaneously. "Ugh, do they not realize we're standing right outside? Stay out here, I'll go see what's going on."  
  
Susan walks back through the doors and I lose myself in my own thought again. How could one piece of paper hurt so much? Of course it wasn't the paper that hurt so much, it was the words that he had written. He had lied when he said his leaving wasn't about her. Obviously his excursion was some desperate need to get away from her. I shouldn't have let myself love him so much. If I hadn't loved him so much, it wouldn't have hurt this bad.  
  
"Abby, Romano is looking for you." Frank bustles through the door and marches towards me. I roll my eyes and stand up, pulling the piece of paper out of my pocket and crumbling it in my hand. Sayonara John Carter, I think to myself as I walk towards the emergency room doors. I throw it towards the trash can as I go back into the hospital.  
  
*Several Hours Later*  
  
I have this horrible feeling that everyone around me knows something I don't. For one thing, Malik said the word unfettered, which is not in his usual vocabulary. I've heard the word somewhere else today too, which is a little odd. Oh shit! It suddenly hits me. Carter's letter. Carter used the word unfettered. We both know we would work better unfettered. But how could Malik have read the letter? I threw it into the trash can. Wait a second, Frank was still outside when I came back in. But would he really stoop so low as to dig through a garbage can? I storm out of the lounge towards the front desk determined to get this solved right now.  
  
"Frank!" I bellow as I get nearer. There is a crowd gathered around the desk clerk, even though they seem to move away as they hear me approach. If I'm not mistaken, there's a rustle of paper behind Frank's back as well. "What is that?"  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"I know you have my letter and you are going to give it back to me right now!" I growl and stand with one hand on my hip and the other reached towards him. "Give it to me now!"  
  
"And we were just getting to the good part." A snide voice commented and I whip around to see Romano in his one armed glory standing by the board. "I have to say, I've been having a pretty shitty day, but this just makes me feel that much better."  
  
The look of disgust I give him must be extremely frightening because he gives me a scared look before rushing away to a patient. I march up to Frank and snatch the piece of paper out of his hands and fold it as fast as I can and stick it back in my pocket.  
  
"I can't believe all of you. Don't you have anything better to do with your lives that make mine a living hell?" I wasn't really expecting a response to this outburst. They give me sheepish looks and hurry off to patients as well. I close my eyes and bang my hands on the desk and groan. "I hate my life!"  
  
"It can't be that bad." An unfamiliar voice comments. I look up confused, only to find the face of Gillian smiling back at me. Is this woman ever in a bad mood? "I'm sorry for interrupting you. I just wanted you to know that Luka is settled in and was asking about you."  
  
"Oh, um, thanks." I force a small smile. "How is he doing?"  
  
"Better." Gillian nods. "John saved him you know. We were told it would be impossible to find the body, but John wouldn't take that as an answer. He just kept looking. He's a great man."  
  
I manage to shrug and smile, not sure exactly what message this is sending to my present company. The truth is that there's no answer to the her statement. The look on her face is a look of almost affection and I wonder if there was something between her and Carter at some point. Obviously she is with Luka now, but I don't know how long they have been together.  
  
"Well I'm going to go back upstairs. Everyone has been so nice here, coming to visit Luka. I hope you will too." She smiles again and turns around and goes back towards the elevators. I glance at my watch and realize I'm still on for another hour and a half. The door to the lounge is about three feet away from me and the sofa in there is calling my name. After taking a quick look around to make sure no one is noticing my disappearing act, I jump into the room and collapse into the soft chair. As I let out a loud groan, I hear soft laughter and quickly open my eyes and see Susan standing by her locker.  
  
"Don't laugh. Today is going down as one of the worst days of my life."  
  
"Why?" She asks as she shuts the locker and leans against it.  
  
"You haven't heard?"  
  
"Heard what?" The look on her face tells me that this is a genuine answer and she honestly has no idea what I'm talking about.  
  
"I got a letter this morning courtesy of Gillian." I'm sorry, I just can't help rolling my eyes when I say her name.  
  
"From Carter?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"What'd it say?"  
  
"Here." I pull the now wrinkled piece of paper out of my pocket as she walks over to me and takes it when I hand it to her. She sits on the edge of the table and silently reads it. I watch as her eyes get wide and her mouth forms a large "O."  
  
"Please don't tell me this is for real?" She finally says when she finishes. "What is he thinking?"  
  
"Does it matter?" I snap and then feel guilty and soften a little. "Look, I don't care. We fizzled out anyway, it was time for one of us to just break it off."  
  
"Abby, you don't really mean that. I mean, he showed me the ring, he was going to propose."  
  
"But he didn't." My lips are pressed together and I suddenly feel emotionally drained. "It's fine. We were already pretty much over when he came back before. He gave me back his key to my apartment. Let him stay in Africa if that's what he wants."  
  
"When are you off?"  
  
"A little over an hour."  
  
"Well let's do something after. Get dinner, curse off men, something like that."  
  
"No, I think I'm just going to go home and take a long bath and get lots of sleep."  
  
"Okay, well I'm off now, but call me if you need company."  
  
"Thanks Susan." She leaves and I am left with my own thoughts again. Of course that doesn't last long because a med student comes running in a couple moments later, needing help with an unruly patient. Sixty minutes more. Then I can go home. 


	3. Rapid Hope Loss

TITLE: Rapid Hope Loss  
  
NOTES: If you haven't figured it out yet, all the chapter titled are Dashboard Confessional songs.so yeah, that's where the titles are coming from. The lyrics are at the end of the story. This last week was totally hectic and as long as it has taken me to write this chapter, it's gonna take me longer to get the reviews from the last two weeks episodes onto my site, so if you go over there, please be patient! Until then, enjoy this story and please review to let me know what you think. Next chapter will be up ASAP.  
  
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*One and a half hours later*  
  
I thought this moment would never happen. I've finally just stepped into my apartment after what has been, literally, the day from hell. Trust me, I've had bad days before. My mother has shown up off her meds, I've caught my husband in bed with another woman, I've been beaten up, yet today seemed to top it all. I don't know how I manage to make it into the bathroom. I'm shedding clothing through the apartment as I go so that I can just go straight into the tub. A couple minutes later, the tub is full of warm water and I gently step in.  
  
As I sink into the water, I glide over to the other side of the bath tub where my stereo is sitting up on a ledge. I press CD 1 and crank up the volume then go back to the other side and close my eyes. The music echoes through the room and I slip deeper into the water. I suddenly hear the phone ringing in the other room, but I decide to ignore it and go completely under the water to tune everything out.  
  
When I come back up, the ringing has stopped. The song is still playing however, and I listen to the words. It's weird that they seem to relate to my life right now, but this band usually always does. I keep telling myself that I'm better off without Carter. It doesn't seem to hurt quite as much if I think that. All day I've been subject to these pitied glances or whispered conversations that come to a halt when I get close. Even Romano saw that damn letter. And then I saw Luka and for some reason it made me feel better. Partly because up until a couple of days ago I thought he was dead.  
  
I don't know how much time goes by that I just lie here and stare up at my ceiling. I soon realize that the water is getting cooler, so I step out of the tub, grab a towel, and wrap it around myself. Positioning the towel under one arm, I maneuver my hands to tie my hair up into a ponytail. I walk into the kitchen and see the red flashing light telling me that whoever called before left me a message. I hit the play button as I grab a glass from a cabinet and fill it with water.  
  
"Hi Sweetie, it's me." My mother's voice projects through the apartment. "I was just checking in and seeing how you were. You're probably at the hospital. Anyways, I wanted to let you know Eric and I are going on a little road trip for a few days. I'm not sure where we're going, I guess we'll just pack up and drive in one direction. Okay honey, Eric is calling me so I have to go. I'll talk to you later. I love you."  
  
I roll my eyes at the machine as I press the delete button. Why does it seem like everyone around me is doing what they really want to be doing? Carter wanted to go to Africa so he just left. Maggie always does whatever the hell she feels like doing spur of the moment. Where does this leave me? Maybe she was right when she told me I need to stop living my life on the sidelines. Susan's offer from a few days ago jumps into my head. I've always thought about going back to med school, but something always seemed to come up. Or maybe I subconsciously didn't think I would be able to do it. What's stopping me now though? No boyfriend, no psychotic mother, just myself, which is usually the biggest problem at all.  
  
The phone rings again, and this time I answer it.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hey Abby, it's me."  
  
"Hey Susan."  
  
"Whatcha doin?"  
  
"Just got out of the bath. Why?" I ask, walking towards the sofa.  
  
"I'm bored."  
  
"Where's Chuck?" I reach the sofa and sit down, setting my feet on the coffee table as I sit.  
  
"Working." I can hear her sigh on the other end.  
  
"Well what do you want to do?" I finally respond and can hear her sigh again. I know she already has a plan and I know that she's already thought of a way to get me to go with whatever she's planned.  
  
"I want to go out. We haven't done anything fun in a while. Well we've done ice cream and TV night, but we haven't really gone out since before Car.for a while." Nice save Susan, I think to myself.  
  
"Where are you thinking?"  
  
"That new club downtown. You know, the one I was telling you about last week." Susan pauses for a moment before continuing. "You don't have to go if you don't want to. It's just it's like we hardly see each other anymore."  
  
"Uh, Susan, we see each other all the time, we work together."  
  
"Come on, you know what I mean."  
  
"Fine. What time?"  
  
"You're the best! How about I come get you at 11?"  
  
"What time is it now? I don't have my watch on."  
  
"9:30."  
  
"Okay, I'll see you when you get here."  
  
"This is going to be so much fun! I mean it!"  
  
"Okay, bye."  
  
"Bye!" I hang up as she squeals and I have to smile. Maybe going out will do me some good. Susan's right, we haven't done anything like this in ages and I need to get Carter out of my system. I suddenly wonder what Carter is doing right now, off in Africa. I think back to the letter and wonder what were his thoughts when he sat down to write it. The one part that is so much of a joke to me is where he said "when we were just friends, it was safe." I don't remember any part of our relationship in the past three years ever being safe.  
  
He was a recovering drug addict, I was a recovering alcoholic. He was stabbed, I was divorced, he went through family issues, and I am the poster child for family issues. Even when I was going out with Luka, he was my friend and even though for a while I might have thought that was safe, it all changed that day at the bench when he told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore. We were never the same after that, I looked at him in a different light that definitely didn't signal safe. I was afraid that it might be a good thing and as I always am, I was convinced I would end up hurt. And hear I am, many months later, hurt.  
  
"Snap out of it Abby." I mentally yell at myself and stand up. I look at the clock in the kitchen and realize it is now 9:45 and I need to get dressed and blow-dry my hair. I unwrap the towel from my body and go into the bedroom. I catch a glance of myself in the mirror and stop and look at my face for a moment. It's still the same as it's been lately, bags under my eyes courtesy of taking too many shifts, a couple wrinkles starting to form in the corner of my eyes.  
  
"Come on." I growl at myself again and run my hand through my hair. I will have a good time tonight and I will not think of John Carter anymore.  
  
You called to say you wanted out.  
  
Well, I can't say I blame you now.  
  
Sometimes you've got to fold  
  
before you're found out.  
  
Well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself.  
  
Cause now that I can see you,  
  
I don't think you're worth a second glance.  
  
So much for all the promises you made, they served you well  
  
and now you're gone and they're wasted on me.  
  
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well  
  
and now you're gone and it's wasted on me.  
  
You called to say you wanted out.  
  
Well, I can't say I blame you now.  
  
Sometimes you've got to fold  
  
before you're found out.  
  
Well thanks for waiting this long  
  
to show yourself.  
  
Cause now that I can see you,  
  
I don't think you're worth a second glance.  
  
So much for all the promises you made, they served you well  
  
and now you're gone and they're wasted on me.  
  
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well  
  
and now you're gone and it's wasted on me. 


End file.
